Domination Is a Gift, Too

Warning: This site contains explicit sexual content. 

Feb. 7, 2015

My story “From Innocent to Slave: the Story of My Corruption,” in D.L. King’s anthology The Big of Domination: Erotic Fantasies (Cleis Press),

Big Book-2is a loosely fictionalized account of my initiation into the world of domination and submission by my first dom.

I’m going to cut the fiction here and talk about real life.

Before my initiation – “pre-corruption,” so to speak – I’d heard that well-worn trope, “Submission is a gift.”  I thought if I submitted to a man, if I acquiesced to whatever weird-ass kinky shit he wanted to do to me, I’d be doing him a favor. I’d be giving him the precious gift of my submission. I’d make him fall all over himself with gratitude.

You never hear anyone say, “Domination is a gift.” But now, “post-corruption,” I think domination is at least as much of a gift as submission, and one that should be acknowledged. One that could use a little PR.

A dom friend once told me, “The sub gets the better deal, because the dom does all the work.” It’s true that the dom usually plans the “scenes,” provides the toys and tools, and can get an arm as sore as a baseball player’s from all that flogging (which, by the way, takes hella skill). But there’s more to domination than the physical, much more than the whips and the convoluted rope knots and the scenes. Here’s an excerpt from my story:

Here is what they don’t tell you in the novels. The realization came to me in that instant. Domination is not force. It is seduction. Submission is willing. All these years, I’d misunderstood. I wanted this man with every fiber of my being. I was willing do anything he wanted. Anything. “Hands behind your back,” he said, in a voice he’d use to casually order a pizza, taking my compliance for granted now. He pulled out his cock and presented it to my mouth. He did not have to order me to suck. I thought it was beautiful. I took him into my mouth willingly.

A good dom gets into your head and makes you want to give it all up. He (I am using the male gender for the dom because of my own orientation) is someone with a certain quality of presence, an energy that makes me feel safe enough to shed my ego and lose the smart, in-control face I show the rest of the world. He is sensitive and civilized, but he also embarrasses me – just a little. He makes me comfortable, but he also makes me squirm – just a little, just enough to fear his judgment. He has a layer of tenderness over a firm core that I know won’t give way, creating a space that allows me to lose myself. He’s not afraid to take control. He is simultaneously nasty, filthy, fearless, and kind enough to accept and want the dirtiest and most vulnerable parts of me, the me who’s bare-assed over his knee, the egoless me. He’s someone I respect and trust enough to let him strip me of that ego in the first place, he knows how to do it, he has the guts to do it, and – this is key – he does it.  If that isn’t a gift, I don’t know what is.

Pre-corruption, I never understood why there was so much thanking going on in the old S&M novels I used to (sneakily) read. And it’s never the dom thanking the sub for her “gift” of submission. It’s the sub thanking the dom, the sub being required by the dom to thank him. “Thank me for your spanking,” the dom might say, and the sub answers, “Thank you, Sir.” Or the sub might be ordered to count the swats, thanking the dom for each one. I used to think that a dom making a sub thank him for her punishment was just further cruelty.

Post-corruption, I understand that a sub can feel gratitude for domination. And in the paradoxical world of BDSM, where pain can bring pleasure, bondage can bring freedom, and the ego stripping of humiliation can bring intimate acceptance by the dom of a submissive’s most vulnerable self – in that world, being ordered to thank one’s dom for punishment can, like in a hall of mirrors, be a form of subjugation itself worthy of gratitude. The dom who inspired my story never ordered me to thank him. But if he had, I would have been grateful for the opportunity.

So let us thank the doms (and the dommes). Because submission may be a precious gift, but so is domination.

You can pick up your copy of The Big Book of Domination from Amazon Kindle,  Amazon UK, Barnes and Noble, or  Powell’s.

Here are the links for the rest of the blog tour:

1/17  D. L. King 
1/27  Evan Mora
2/1    Anna Mitcham
2/5    Zoe Amos
2/7    YOU ARE HERE Olivia Summersweet
2/9    Katya Harris 

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